laura

better.

so lately i’ve been thinking about who i am. today while i was shelving to keep myself entertained i tried to make a list of things what i want to do/change/be.

i listen to lindsey’s podcast (YAAF) when i’m feeling down or just off. and in it she says: make a huge sprawling list of things you want to to do. so i tried to. i won’t bore you with the details of this list, but it did help me realize some things about myself.

i guess i’ve also been thinking a lot about being alone. i’ve never entered a winter alone; alone being defined as single. this sounds really stupid and petty and ridiculous, but it’s important to me. i know myself as person who needs companionship and closeness to feel loved and as a result: happy. however, i think before i can really be happy, i have to be happy with me. i think that’s the problem i’ve been having. there are a lot of things i do like about myself. but there are a lot of things i hate. i have come to enjoy the fact that i’m clumsy, but hate the fact that i can become obsessive. i also hate that i constantly compare myself to other people and become jealous. but really i’m just scared, can’t manage my money, struggle with school, (and my record player’s receiver just LITERALLY BLEW UP about 5 seconds ago and about gave me a heart attack) and all of this just makes me want to curl up with someone and talk or not talk and just be; to have a best friend again and not be alone at night, cold in between my blankets.
hmm. but it’s annoying when people just complain about life and don’t do anything about it (another personal flaw that i hate), so i guess this silly little 2am tumblr entry is me saying i’m going to do better. i don’t know how or what i’m going to do, but i need to do something. maybe even eat more vegetables. but life is not worth sitting around feeling lonely or sad or even just settling. this summer has taught me a lot of independence and i think this winter easily could too. here goes.

i had intentions

of waking up at normal-time and getting shit done because my first class was canceled. like legit for school work. aaaaaaaaaaand it’s 11 am, the time my class would normally be getting out so that means i have 2 hours until my next class and i am listening to the zep in our house of twinkle lights, alone dancing in my slippers thinking about what to make for brunch. i guess this is okay too. when you are semi-sick and have low iron i feel like it’s okay to sleep in just once. it might be the latest i’ve slept since school started. gaaash. tgif, everybody. enjoyyyy :)

couple of things today:

i realized one another reason i don’t like anyone in my pschology 101 class. earlier, it became apparent we wouldn’t get along because nobody knew where downtown champaign was. by the mall? …no. then today when we were talking about schemas of washing clothes, most of the class both irons their jeans (uh…what?) and is totally disgusted by wearing anything more than once. i am a loner in that class seriously because the only iron i own is for my hair and i think i wear some things like 3 times because really it doesn’t look dirty and why waste all that water. i have a feeling since they are all this serious about laundry, the fact that i don’t shower every single day and sometimes not even every other would cause their jaws to drop and their desks to each scoot 12 inches to the right.

but also target brand archer farms sweet cajun trial mix is the best thing ever. not lying. yuuuuuummmmmmmooooooooooooo.

i can't stop browsing dickblick.com

there is so much stuff i need/want.

also my throat hurts. lots of tea tonight.